Bringing a Whole New Meaning to Shark Week

shark-bloodsource

Disclaimer to Men: This post is not on a particularly comfortable topic for you. You have been warned.

Disclaimer to Women: You’re welcome.

It’s Shark Week; Aunt Flo’s in town; on the rag; riding the crimson wave; Code Red; the Curse; Red Wings season; Aunt Ruby’s in town; in the Red Tent; that time of the month; feeling like a Communist; in your cycle; on your period.

That’s right. I’m talking about Menstruation! That wonderful and horrible week when your body tells you:

not pregnant gifsource

This gif, incidentally, is my absolute favorite method of informing a significant other when Shark Week has begun. I like to welcome them into the warm embrace of an elevator just bursting with blood via TMI text message. Because that’s what I feel like sometimes: the Overlook Hotel in The Shining.

Just the other day, while experiencing the torment of my monthly visit from Aunt Flo, Aunt Ruby, and Cousin Cramps, I had a sudden epiphany as to what was causing such mind-numbing pain within me – uterine-micro-sharks.

You see, that’s the real reason we get cramps.

(It’s obviously not related to science and how our bodies are all like, “Yo, bitch. You didn’t impregnate me. Allow me to punish you,” as the uterus detaches its current lining and expels it through, well… you know the rest.)

school-of-sharkssource

Inside the uterus of each and every woman of child-bearing age is a school of tiny sharks. When the time comes and your poor eggs are left unfertilized, your uterus pokes the sleeping fiends and tells them to clean up the mess you left behind. So they sleepily set to work, tearing at the lining of your uterus and spitting out the chunks they don’t want to eat. The rest passes through you to create tea bags for vampires (think about it). Once the micro-sharks have had their fill and finished cleaning you out, they fall into hibernation until your uterus has to call in the clean-up crew once more.

So that tearing, ragged feeling inside you is your own personal school of uterine-micro-sharks. Treat them well, feed them special treats (like Midol and raspberry leaf tea) and they might take a break from eating you from the inside out on occasion.

Maybe.

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Comments

  1. Red Raspberry Leaf is my best friend along with Vitex. I am taking Vitex to help regulate me so I can get pregnant, but it helps a ton with keeping Aunt Flo on the lighter and less painful side.

  2. I wish there was a way to opt out of the uterine-micro-sharks and the entirety of shark week. CLEARLY I DO NOT NEED IT, damnit.

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